26 Jan 1994 - girl drama with Sarah Madsen

600 - 200 Warmup, kick, pull

250 - 10 x 25's fly. Descending breathing last 25 one breath only. On 1:00

200 - IM

50 - ez

450 - 6 x 75's kick on 2:00

600 - 12 x 50's strengthen left arm 25, right 25 on 1:30

300 - 6 x 50's fly on 1:30

200 - ez

250 - 10 over unders on 2:00

100 - sprint free (:57)

50 - ez

3000 total

Today no one was in the pool except me, so I went pretty well. I tried to keep the rage, but was unable to keep it to the extreme like I was last night.

Last night I went to a stake dance. Sarah was there. I danced with her and after that she took off without really saying goodbye, so I followed her thinking she was going to get a drink and wanted me to follow. She went to talk to some girlfriends and I stood back a few feet to not step in her circle unless she wanted. Obviously she didn't because she saw me and took off again. I sat down for a few minutes, and the brain was just a moving trying to figure out what just happened.

I went home and happened to go into Chris' room and noticed a dance picture with 3 couples forming a pyramid. Guess who was on the top with the prettiest smile - you got it, Sarah. I was so filled with anger I sucked on about 5 lollipops and did calisthenics in my room for an hour and a half and listened to Nine Inch Nails and dude I haven't done this in a while ....

But I cut myself. I was so insane like I was before my mission that I cut myself to enjoy the pain. For I would rather feel physical pain than emotional pain. So I bled on my right biceps for a while and it burned. I must admit it did feel good compared to the pain I was feeling in my heart just moments before.

I went to bed around 11:30 and tried to conjure up that anger in the morning so I could keep that energy it gave me. Plus the feeling of physical strength I felt that night. But it hasn't stayed like I wanted. It really is too bad that emotion comes and goes like this. That is my biggest problem with the mind, is that we are so spontaneous with our feelings. They don't last as long as we wish.

I hope Sarah says "No" to going to the formal with me. But I don't think she will have the nerve. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have asked her. But who knows she might change and things might actually work out - but I highly doubt it.

She has already had two strikes against her - one more and she is history dude.